To My Dearest Love —

You are one of the beautiful ones, a special person that is a shining light of joy to all those around you. I do not want to be selfish with my love for you. I want to shine your light on the mountain, like a beacon to those who are lost and do not believe in love. But here it must remain, unspoken, hidden from the world. I do this to protect you and not myself. Even now I know I know this letter will end up unsent, collecting dust somewhere. But if it is to remain hidden, why bother writing at all? My love is an emotion that needs to be expressed, fixed by ink and blood, flowing like crucified poetry. Perhaps I am just being foolish, an inescapable habit of those whose heart is broken.

Perhaps someday you will know that you created me, that I transformed myself for your sake. Your whims were my commands, your words become a prophecy, your opinions are fact. You drew me to you and in return I made you the center of my world. It seems that ages have passed since our eyes first met, and not a day goes by that I am not reminded of my feelings for you.

Even while awake, images and words trapped in my memories make themselves known to me. This to me has become the sum of my life: heartbreak and pain. I distract myself with things and people but I know it is useless because I am also useless. I hate everyone and everything I see because they cannot make me happy. My world has no value to me and I want to destroy everything in it, even that which is good and beautiful. I am so lonely that I consider my death on a regular basis. Why should I not? I have very little to live for right now: I am worthless in almost every way. I know neither how to care for nor love any one around me, let alone myself.

Many years ago I dreamed that I would be here in this kind of time and place. I imagined someone that I would love more than life itself. But I thought it was merely an idle daydream and would never become reality. And I was happy with that illusion until I met you. It was a boy’s fantasy that kept a man intact and it was the reality of you that destroyed me so completely. And to make my pain even more unbearable, you became my friend, accepting me as I was. Because of that, I became my own enemy.

Strange circumstances can sometimes collide to bring people together. And though I have met many people of diverse paths in my life, I have never met a soul such as yours before. I love your candid honesty and good-natured way of just being. You are unique and I am sure I will always — until the end of my days — enjoy your company. I pray that the day comes soon, for until then, I suffer in sin, though I cleanse myself with self-punishment. Whether I live or die I am damned. But in death at least there will be the release of suffering. I await that liberation because this life is my purgatory.

I hope you can forgive me for my selfishness but I cannot endure this temptation any longer.

I remain yours,
Always.